Tantra for Men: 10 Essential Steps to Multiple OrgasmsApr 17, 2022
Picture this. Things are getting hot with your incredibly delicious partner. Tasting their soft lips elicits the desire to devour them completely. The warmth of their skin caressing yours sends shockwaves of excitement through your entire body. You feel their hands slide hungrily towards your cock … and within a flash, you’ve ejaculated. Everything stops! Suddenly, you’re flooded with disappointment and spiralling into shameful thoughts, breaking the intimate connection. You’re thrown right out of the moment.
You know all too well the embarrassment that comes with prematurely ejaculating during a vulnerable encounter with your play-partner. Guess what? So does every single one of the men I support in my Tantric and Somatic work. While some of them come to me with the desire to cure premature ejaculation and erectile difficulties, or to better understand how to pleasure their partners, it quickly becomes clear that there is a lot of pre-requisite work to attend to first. Work that has very little to do with genital stimulation, and everything to do with reconnecting decades of broken connections within.
The prospect of being a multi-orgasmic man is very alluring, I know. Whether it’s the fantasy of pleasuring your partners endlessly, or the promise of washing away years of sexual insecurities–or both. I totally get it. Why wouldn’t you want to have multiple orgasms? It’s a profound opportunity to deepen your intimate connections and cultivate immense amounts of energy for higher living.
TANTRIC-STYLE SEXUALITY FOR MEN
Before I talk about sexuality in relation to Tantric practices, I want to make it really clear that Tantra is a massive subject matter, with many branches, contained within many ancient lineages. It flourished throughout South Asia between the 8th and 14th centuries, was cultivated from influences much older than that, and has continuously thrived to this day in myriad forms.
Its story is rich and complex, but this isn't the post to dive into history. Click here for a more complete, albeit generalized understanding of Tantra.
My point in bringing this up is to help dispel the popular misconception that Tantra is a sexual practice. It is not! It is a science. It is a system. It is a technology for revealing the true nature of the Self, bringing balance to the elemental make-up of our existence, and harmonizing the opposing energetic forces of the body and mind. It is a technology for experiencing the totality of ourselves and the interconnectedness of all beings and forms.
Only a few Tantric scriptures describe rituals and practices involving the act of sex, and they were most often reserved for adept practitioners who had developed sensitivity and a certain level of non-dual recognition. This means that the practitioner didn't just view his partner as an object to satisfy his desires for pleasure, but rather as a Being filled with the same light of Consciousness as his own.
Some lineages of Tantra don't mention sex at all, and some do. Some reject the sexual act completely, while others celebrate it. When sex is included, it's almost insignificant in comparison to the whole body of work surrounding it. My point is that sex is generally NOT the focus of Tantra. Practicing Tantric techniques and adopting a Tantric view of reality may, however, enhance the experience of your sexuality as you become more attuned to yourself and begin to recognize your innate Oneness with others.
If there is a thing called "Tantric Sex", then you must understand that it would be essential to first learn and practice yogic-type observances and techniques in order to make that idea a reality. This would take some time, and require guidance from an adept practitioner or teacher.
Being sexually multi-orgasmic isn't a trick. It's nature! Once reconnected, it becomes a pleasurable and conscious choice. You get to choose the quantity of your orgasms, and whether to give the gift of your ejaculate or retain your potent seed. And while all of this sounds very exciting to dive into, there are even more significant benefits to become aware of first.
You must know that along with your natural ability to be multi-orgasmic comes the capacity to channel that primal energy throughout the body/mind for optimized health and vitality. The Tantric practitioner channels the aroused energy in support of spiritual non-dual Self recognition (which is orgasmic in and of itself, without doing anything, and happens to be the ultimate goal of Tantric Yoga and all other spiritual sciences in the world).
I’ll speak more on that in another post.
Perhaps now is the time to consider some of the elements that may be blocking the connection to your natural multi-orgasmic capacities.
AN EPIDEMIC OF SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION IN MEN
There is a sort of "sexual madness" that drives and agitates the minds of most men. I've experienced it myself! For the men I work with, it’s generally the same. The drive is biological, but the agitation and anxiety are the fruit of our past experiences which have been imprinted into our body/mind. It separates us, this madness, from our true Selves. It blocks the potential for connection, and pollutes the intimate space we share with our partners.
We drain ourselves of our life-force through hyper-obsessive sexual focus. We unnecessarily leak our energy by allowing the release of so much of our super-charged seed. Many of us are like a 60w light bulb, spreading our energy in all directions, then becoming dull and dim, before burning out completely. You must learn to conserve and cultivate your energy to remain vital. Instead of being like a light bulb, you must become like a laser beam of concentrated energy, intentionally directed and powerfully focused on the true nature of the Self.
Before you arrive at the official steps for having multiple orgasms, it is crucial to understand the current landscape within which our collective sexuality has been shaped. Seeing and shifting the patterns of your conditioned thoughts and behaviours is a prerequisite step for intimacy with yourself and with others.
ATTACHMENT & SEXUAL TRAUMA + CONDITIONING
The culture is experiencing an epidemic of failed relationships, broken connections, and addictions. This is clear. Our earliest attachment wounds and traumas have driven us to seek relief from the discomfort of disconnection in a thousand different ways. It’s easy for me to assume that one of your favourite ways to find that freedom has been through pornography. Watching porn is highly addictive, disruptive to your nervous system, and damaging to your sexuality. It's also harmful to your partner's sexuality when your porn-shaped beliefs are projected onto them.
In this modern age, even young children are being sexually conditioned with pornography that celebrates sexual dominance, violence, and humiliation of women.
Men are often riddled with the shame and harsh reality that you cannot live up to the model of masculine sexuality that has been defined for you. The truth, however hard the pill is to swallow, is that most men are far removed from any useful definition of what might be “true masculinity” (if there even is such a thing). I think there is not.
For the majority of men, self-pleasure and sex are anything but mindful. I bet you use pornography almost exclusively to achieve that momentary sense of freedom. The porn-addicted mind and body become anxious and numb, severed from reality. Empathy for the feminine dissolves entirely.
You may become completely out of touch with your own energetic and nervous systems. Masturbation is likely to be bound in shame, and your sexual desires may take on the aggressive, demeaning, and controlling nature of the material you consume.
Real-life bedroom moments can’t live up to the unrealistic sexual expectations of a porn-saturated mind. Working vigorously to re-create scenes of sexual hedonism, while striving towards that “big moment” of orgasmic release, cuts you off completely from the very thing that makes you so divinely masculine: Presence.
The intimate energetic space becomes the opposite of what your partners really want (and need) in order to feel safe, relaxed, and open to receiving. Perhaps the most tragic part of this is that the possibility of deep connection moves further and further away, when you ultimately desire for it to become closer.
Sounds awful, right? It gets worse.
With empathy long gone, and your conditioned sexual past and traumas projected onto your partners and into the space of your lovemaking, it’s no surprise that most of your relationships end up in the state they always find themselves in: total disconnect.
You may be so ridden with shame and insecurity that you avoid intimacy all together. Or, without realizing it, you may use your partners as objects with holes, meant only for satisfying your toxically conditioned mind and body.
Are you interested in sexual relationships with women? You probably have very little awareness of her body, her energetic needs, or the unique ways in which she experiences pleasure. You learned most of what you know from a culture that lacks basic care, understanding, or respect for women. From very early on, you were shown that you could do whatever you desired to Her body for your own sexual gratification.
She knows this! She can feel it on a cellular level. She knows that you lack the self-knowledge and presence she requires from you in order to trust, let go, receive your energy, and release into her own.
Even if she doesn’t consciously recognize this yet, her body does. Her nervous system is aware of this lack of safety and responds, moment by moment, to your own system.
I know this can sting upon initial realization—decades of sexual memories come flooding back, triggering all sorts of uncomfortable feelings—but it’s not your fault. You were taught nothing about your own nature, let alone a woman’s power. Nor was she! Everything we know about both male and female sexuality was absorbed from porn and media, built upon centuries of patriarchal conditioning.
As you can see, there is some work to do before you may develop the sensitivity and capacity for being a freely multi-orgasmic man, and becoming the lover you ultimately want to be. I don't say this to scare you off, or to be disheartening. This is part of the work a man is meant to do if he ultimately desires to be free.
So let’s get to the point: becoming a multi-orgasmic man. You should know before going on that there is no way this can be learned by simply reading a blog post. What you can do is take the following steps and begin to work through them. It’s best to consider this as a life practice.
10 Essential Steps to Having Multiple Orgasms
STEP 1 - Become Aware of Your True Nature
Read that again! This is the most important part. It’s the whole subject matter of Tantra. It’s paradoxically so simple to recognize, and yet not, depending how stubbornly you cling to your beliefs about what and who you are. This understanding will likely expand in layers over time, and will come a lot more quickly and clearly with a good mentor or guide. What the hell does this have to do with having multiple orgasms? Good question…
Being multi-orgasmic is all about freedom. When you lack the level of Awareness I’m describing, all of the movements of your body/mind remain conditioned or habituated by the past. You don't know what you really are! There is no freedom in that. There is no free choice. You have mistakenly identified yourself with a collection of memories, sensations, ideas, and beliefs, and the way you experience the world is entirely dictated by these impressions. You must see that you are none of these. You must recognize that your innermost essence is the expansiveness of Awareness itself.
I'm not talking about being aware as in having knowledge of some thing, or some information, or some object. I'm talking about the global sense of Knowingness within which all of our experience is observed. I'm talking about the fundamental core of your true Self. I'm talking about the capital A Awareness.
Now listen, before you go off on some wild goose chase to get closer to your own divinity, please allow me to save you a whole lot of time.
Awareness is not something to achieve. You cannot get closer to it, or gain it by any means whatsoever. It is what you are. It must be recognized in a flash of thought and feeling over and over and over again! You must reside there, in that core centre, as often as possible, so that it may expand to become the predominant mode of perception. You must dissolve your belief in individuality to know only One.
It is here, in this knowing of Self, that our full capacity for intimacy is unlocked. It is here that the lover and I become One. Get my point? Maybe not. This all might sound quite obscure at first.
STEP 2 - Heal Early Wounds & Shame
It would be rare to find a human who has made it to adulthood free from the effects of abuse, loss, sickness, or accident. Often, these events are so overwhelming that they cause trauma, becoming lodged in the nervous system and causing a lasting imprint in the body's cells and deep mind. These early wounds become a part of the identity you build for yourself, and they negatively influence and determine your reactions to the situations you’re faced with in your day-to-day life.
Of course, stuck energies must be gently mobilized and discharged if you are to become free of their bind. Your sexual energies are a part of this! Your sexual past and its accommodating beliefs have been imprinted in the body/mind.
The deeply ingrained belief system you hold about who and what you are—your heart, your mind, and your primal sexual energy—must be reevaluated and restored to nature. You must reconnect the disconnected fragments within the body and mind.
It would be valuable to connect with a lover, friend, teacher, somatic therapist, or group that is a healthy, non-shaming mirror through which you can expose the shame that binds you to this limited self. A Somatic Experiencing (SE) practitioner is particularly helpful in accessing energies stuck in the body due to past trauma.
STEP 3 - Quit Porn
It’s time to let go! Watching porn is not serving you in the least. It is harming you, agitating your heart and mind, and making you numb. Pornography severs you from your own capacity to experience the immense amount of pleasure available within your own body. I’ve worked directly with many men who are no longer able to become aroused without porn. This is telling, is it not?
Porn is unknowingly conditioning your sexual beliefs in profound ways. Whether you like it or not, those beliefs are being projected onto your loved ones and within your community.
Generally speaking, our culture’s over-consumption of porn is a big problem. Of course there are exceptions, and nothing is completely black and white, but I mostly see harm in individuals and relationships.
It is now my belief that if you truly love humans, then you can no longer support this medium that sells the sexual domination, violence, and humiliation of women for the sexual gratification of men. Do what you have to do to stop using it.
STEP 4 - Calm the Nerves & Awaken the Energy
Being multi-orgasmic comes as a consequence of establishing great sensitivity and control. Achieving this level of sensitivity and control requires a well-regulated nervous system. This means that you have access to ground yourself, relax, and open the energetic flows of the body/mind. It’s likely that you have not yet developed these self-regulatory capacities. That is the unfortunate norm!
You might have been living in perpetually dysregulated states since childhood, or maybe you just feel agitated/ungrounded due to a stressful week at work. You may feel bound in the tension of your anxieties and unmet longings for connection. How do you feel about projecting these mental and physical tensions onto the sensitive space of your lovemaking? It doesn’t sound like a great idea, does it?
Invite yourself to take some time for grounding and relaxing your system before arousing your sexual energies, or attempting to connect with another person.
I recommend seeking out a Tantric practitioner who is well trained and practiced in yoga science. It would be ideal to receive guidance from someone who is additionally trained in somatic modalities, and equipped to work with the sensitive nature of trauma. It may be helpful to explore combinations of ritual, meditation, breathwork, hatha yoga, Qigong, or even dance to restore your natural flow of vital energy. Obviously, these all require some dedication and time to learn and practice, but with even a few simple techniques, you can learn to easily ground and calm your system.
STEP 5 - Slow Down
Seriously, men! You need to slow it way down. This applies to self-pleasure and partner play time. Slow it down! How can you feel anything while you’re battle-ramming your partner at such great speeds?
Forget about what you see in pornography. In order for your partner (and yourself) to be able to feel, you have to go slower. Most of your intimate play-partners will be elated. Finally, they will have some space to relax, let down that guard and open up. In time, and with their own practice, they’ll be able to receive you completely. Women especially have become far too accustomed to, and traumatized by tolerating the tense discomfort and pain of cocks unceasingly poking at their faces and yonis.
Slow down … and then go even slower than you think you should.
STEP 6 - Breathe & Relax
Along with awareness, this is literally the key to having multiple orgasms. It might sound so simple that it’s almost boring. Well, it’s not boring at all. In fact, it makes sex significantly more enjoyable!
The breath must flow freely, easily, and naturally. If it isn’t moving, or is moving harshly, you aren’t relaxed. You must have enough structural freedom in the body for the breath to move in a harmonious dance with the inner muscular diaphragms.
I can tell you that for most men, it is definitely not moving. It's not flowing. It's stuck. You likely wouldn’t even know, because most of us assume we’re breathing just fine. Why wouldn’t you? If you’re not dead, you must be breathing perfectly. Right? Wrong.
If you aren’t relaxed, and the breath can’t function fully, the flow of sexual energy becomes greatly restricted and constricted to the pelvic region. Generally, the orgasm (if it comes) will be isolated to the genitals. You are already familiar with this type of orgasm, because you have them all the time.
Mental and physical tension make it more difficult to orgasm. Tension is the opposite of relaxation. The greater your tension (agitation, determination, striving, anxiety, fear, dissociation), the more difficulty you’ll have developing an erection, remaining connected, and having an orgasm. If orgasm is even possible in those states of tension, it will likely be forced and minuscule compared to the boundary-dissolving wave of electricity that’s possible with total physical and mental relaxation.
STEP 7 - Move Your Body & Make Some Sound
No, I'm not just talking about the movement of thrusting or pushing your pelvis forward, or the final grunts that escape at the moment of orgasm. In my observances, most of us are very restricted in our movement, and with the free expression of our sound. In fact, when you’re masturbating, I’ll bet you’re mostly silent, and the only part of your body that is moving is your hand and arm. Am I right?
All of this restricted breath and movement equates to tension. When there is tension, energy is not moving. You need to support a greater, more easeful flow of energy, if you are to become freely multi-orgasmic.
This is an invitation to come unglued. Find movement in that locked-up body of yours. How about some sound to go with that movement? Simple and primal: "Ahhhhs", "Uuuuus", and "Mmmmms". This is all about unlocking your vibration and finding your voice. While you may feel awkward or silly at first, it’s so important to the movement of your energy, and the maintenance of relaxation within the nervous and energetic systems.
Allowing your sound-vibration to flow as an expression of your pleasure will keep you connected to your body and sensations. It will help to keep you Present. Your partner will rejoice in the sounding vibration of your true inner voice. The primal vibration of an embodied "Ahhh" may even trigger a relaxation response in their body, allowing them to surrender more deeply into your ravishment.
Just remember that you’re entirely made of vibrating energy, which of course is sound.
You are sound vibrating! Get it? Moving on...
STEP 8 - Channel Your Sexual Energy
When your sexual energy is aroused, it needs somewhere to go, otherwise it will explode like a sneeze from your cock. It will feel incredible for a few seconds, then there will be an instant drop in energy and intimacy.
Instead, channel or direct your aroused sexual energy upwards through the body towards the heart, the centre of the head, the crown and beyond. This is the time when your practice of subtle inner yogic techniques comes in handy.
Using your awareness, breath, and felt-sense, you’ll be able to ride that electric orgasmic wave for as long as you like without spilling over into ejaculatory bliss. It’s the difference between an 8 second blip and a multi-hour orgasmic system charge-up. Which one sounds better to you?
Arouse your sexual energy with the understanding that if you don’t channel it intentionally, it will be wasted at the moment of orgasm. If you are very sexually active, than you’ll inevitably deplete your system, causing harm to your internal organs. You will diminish your power. You will become numb.
I’ve made this super simple for you. Download my free Self-Pleasure Guide to learn a meditation for moving your sexual energy upwards through the body.
STEP 9 - Practice, Practice, Practice!
This is the best part, and it will take place over a lifetime. Practice, practice, and practice some more. See if you can allow your self-pleasuring practice to become a sensual exploration, rather than a shameful addiction. You will get better results by first practicing alone before including a partner.
It’s important to set aside some time without disruptions or goals. Remember, you need to be relaxed for your energy to flow more freely, and you need your energy to flow more freely in order to experience the electric joy of having multiple orgasms.
Be kind to yourself. Approach this with enjoyment, and free from expectations. Mastering this will take time, and that is to be expected. Perhaps it’s better to remove the expectation of mastering anything at all. Just enjoy yourself. How about that?
STEP 10 - Find a Tantric Practitioner or a Somatic Sexologist
Whether your interest is fresh, or you’ve had experience with Tantric Yoga teachings and practices, working with an adept teacher is of great value. An effective guide or mentor will direct you towards the Truth of your Awareness nature without all the bullshit. They will have access to tools, understanding, and perspectives that may be difficult to access on your own.
If you’re struggling with a history of sexual trauma, numbness, hyper-sensitivity, anxiety, premature ejaculation or erectile difficulties, it would ideal to seek out a somatic sexologist or Somatic Experiencing (SE) practitioner who specializes in sexual trauma and disconnect. They can assist you to safely access your nervous system to mobilize stuck energies without causing further harm.
Apply to work with me, and if our intentions are aligned, I will guide you through all the steps, from beginner to advanced, in a way that’s paced to allow for total integration of the teachings, as opposed to quick fixes that don't last.
If you don’t feel aligned with me, I take no offense, but be cautious within the “Tantra” industry while seeking a guide to assist you. The industry is not regulated, and there are many people who are teaching practices and offering bodywork under the name of “Tantra”, when their work is anything but. There have been problems with consumers being sexually and spiritually disillusioned, and even traumatized, at the hands of teachers, “gurus”, and groups operating without adequate training or a thorough understanding of this profound science and the trauma their students bring with them.
Taking a training in “Tantra” from a Shaman named Brad does not prepare one to work with the sensitive nature of trauma, unless Brad is also a trauma informed therapist.
MALE SEXUAL HEALTH FOR THE MODERN TANTRIC HOUSEHOLDER
I hope I’ve made it clear that this is about so much more than enhancing your sexual performance. In fact, that is perhaps the least important part of being multi orgasmic, and certainly even less important in Tantric Yoga. Ultimately, it’s about fully recognizing yourself as the naturally orgasmic being you already are. You are searching because you don’t yet recognize the fullness and power of your Self. You have not yet unlocked your orgasmic potential. There is prerequisite inner work to attend to.
The work of becoming multi-orgasmic has very little (or nothing) to do with genital stimulation. It’s the work of becoming safely reconnected to the body and its varying intensities of sensation. It is the work of deconditioning what you think you know to be true, and more clearly identifying the essence of what you really are. This is the work that will ask you to heal your earliest attachment wounds by mobilizing and clearing out the stuck energies that have disrupted your capacity for feeling, connecting, and deep intimacy.
The truth is that you are an incredibly powerful Being. You may not feel powerful now, but please understand that with time and attention, as the fullness of your Awareness nature is revealed to you, your capacity for living will become immense. You’ve just forgotten who and what you really are. Your time to remember is now!
PS: If you truly want integrate these 10 steps into your life, creating significant, lasting change in your sexual relationships, and you're ready to begin now, then sign up for The Tantric Man online self-paced course. You’ll be guided through an upgrade of the six core areas of your life, including becoming a multi-orgasmic man.